When I could NOT go beyond ....

The blog post just before this talked about the happiness from mad moments when I "went beyond" .. they happened often in life and so in balance, I am a very happy person. But, then there was one event when I could not gather my wits or guts to do anything ... that haunted me for a while, drove several decisions, has even shaped my thinking and is still something that I have not closed the loop on.

Event in brief

I was 22, travelling alone full of the anticipation of starting an exciting career in the corporate world. On a personal visit between two small towns in North India, I came in early for my train at a railway station.I was relishing in one of my favourite hobbies - watching people meet, part, hustle and bustle at a large commuter point.

Stations, for those not familiar with India are frequented by these little kids who have been abandoned or have no one taking care of them. They hustle, do small petty jobs, or even pick garbage to survive. Full of life, street smart, they only lack a proper places to thrive.

Anyways, here were these 2 kids - a  boy and a girl - urchins in some people's world - busy picking stuff between railway lines when all of a sudden, a railway cop came up and started abusing and then brandishing his "lathi" (cane) at them. I moved quickly towards the incident and raised my voice to challenge the railway cop. He ignored me completely and continued his madness but distracted by my approach and challenge, he took away his eyes and the kids fled. He told me to stay out of these as in his view I did not understand anything.

I could not argue back. I  didn't know how to take this further. But more critically, I realized that I did not know if I could ever do anything in a similar situation when a cop takes the law in his hand to beat up helpless victims.

Impact of the event

I pacified myself then by telling myself that I need to face the reality - that the "world was not fair", that I could not solve all issues I confront and official power is often abused.

However, I believe:
1. That I have not forgotten or even forgiven myself for not doing more that day.
2. That while I always knew that people  of India, when in a horde or when in power can be cruel, the sadness of facing it that day made my later decision to leave India easier. For me, it was made crystal clear that day that India was no better than other places that I had read of and it was not as gentle as our books told us or my loved ones made me feel.
3. That the incident further fortified my resolve that some day in my life, I will  do my bit to set up a systematic program to do some good to some under-privileged kids in India, so that they can do even better in their lives.
4. In a perfectly happy and contented life, the only disquiet is that I don't know if I am in India again and face a similar situation, how I will respond. I pray for the best.

All in all, when I think back on the only moment when I could not go beyond my limitations and resort to a perhaps fool-hardy but still a brave act of dealing with the rouge railway cop ..it haunts and hurts and I still have unanswered questions of my own self.