When I could NOT go beyond ....

The blog post just before this talked about the happiness from mad moments when I "went beyond" .. they happened often in life and so in balance, I am a very happy person. But, then there was one event when I could not gather my wits or guts to do anything ... that haunted me for a while, drove several decisions, has even shaped my thinking and is still something that I have not closed the loop on.

Event in brief

I was 22, travelling alone full of the anticipation of starting an exciting career in the corporate world. On a personal visit between two small towns in North India, I came in early for my train at a railway station.I was relishing in one of my favourite hobbies - watching people meet, part, hustle and bustle at a large commuter point.

Stations, for those not familiar with India are frequented by these little kids who have been abandoned or have no one taking care of them. They hustle, do small petty jobs, or even pick garbage to survive. Full of life, street smart, they only lack a proper places to thrive.

Anyways, here were these 2 kids - a  boy and a girl - urchins in some people's world - busy picking stuff between railway lines when all of a sudden, a railway cop came up and started abusing and then brandishing his "lathi" (cane) at them. I moved quickly towards the incident and raised my voice to challenge the railway cop. He ignored me completely and continued his madness but distracted by my approach and challenge, he took away his eyes and the kids fled. He told me to stay out of these as in his view I did not understand anything.

I could not argue back. I  didn't know how to take this further. But more critically, I realized that I did not know if I could ever do anything in a similar situation when a cop takes the law in his hand to beat up helpless victims.

Impact of the event

I pacified myself then by telling myself that I need to face the reality - that the "world was not fair", that I could not solve all issues I confront and official power is often abused.

However, I believe:
1. That I have not forgotten or even forgiven myself for not doing more that day.
2. That while I always knew that people  of India, when in a horde or when in power can be cruel, the sadness of facing it that day made my later decision to leave India easier. For me, it was made crystal clear that day that India was no better than other places that I had read of and it was not as gentle as our books told us or my loved ones made me feel.
3. That the incident further fortified my resolve that some day in my life, I will  do my bit to set up a systematic program to do some good to some under-privileged kids in India, so that they can do even better in their lives.
4. In a perfectly happy and contented life, the only disquiet is that I don't know if I am in India again and face a similar situation, how I will respond. I pray for the best.

All in all, when I think back on the only moment when I could not go beyond my limitations and resort to a perhaps fool-hardy but still a brave act of dealing with the rouge railway cop ..it haunts and hurts and I still have unanswered questions of my own self.

When I could go beyond ….

Strong sense of justice, chivalry, correctness, “call of the blood” :).. or call it sheer madness  ;).. but there have been so many instances growing up when these urges made me go beyond my normal limitations and led to moments which are still alive in my heart.

Travelling by public transport in India, especially in North, Eastern or Central India can throw up daunting challenges, and yet opportunities to go beyond ourselves. The challenges can include many things - careless negligent officials, suffering yet silent commuters, rough ways, all the way to robbery by bandits (or “dacoits” as we called them).  

During the period 1989 to 1993, I travelled often here and got to deal with these challenges head-on. I don’t remember the normal travel in those days as vividly as the ones when there were challenges and I was able to rise to go beyond myself… and do or try to do something about it.

Here are just 3 sample of those “mad moments” in brief that I have never described in detail to anyone but finally am putting down in this blog post:

1. Dacoits on a train – I was travelling from Gorakhpur (northern India) to Calcutta (eastern India) by an overnight train. It was 2 AM and everyone was sleeping while I was enjoying the rushing wind from the open window on a “lower berth” while reading “The Great Indian Novel” by Sashi Tharoor.  An ex-army non-commissioned officer (let’s call him Mr Jawan) and now a railways employee asked me to give him space near my leg so he could perch himself. The train by now was approaching Asansol, a town on the border of Bengal, when we heard thuds and then the release of vacuum breaks. Mr Jawaan sprung into action, whispered to me that it was dacoits landing and they had released the vacuum brakes to stop the train so that their compatriots can board and loot the passengers. He asked me if I was up to the task of moving heavy stuff (bales of grain in gunny sacks) towards the compartment separation (as it had a broken latch) and preventing or delaying any entrance, while he ran to the other side and closed the vacuum breaks.  Adrenaline rushing, we moved quietly and quickly.  He did his part and I, his bidding. And presto, the vacuum was back, the train picked up speed and we saw the shadows of the advanced gang of dacoits jump off our compartment and merge into the darkness of the night. And not a soul in the compartment – ladies, men, kids, elders – got to know as they snored peacefully through it all. I was back into my book, smiling wider than before.   
2. “Trekkerwalli” – In parts of rural India, there is a jeep-like vehicle called “Trekker”. While it has a capacity of taking 8-10 people, it is normal for 16-20 people to board it :). I jumped on to one of these for a short ride out of Ranchi (province of Jharkhand) en-route to Bokaro (Steel Town close to Ranchi). The crowd was rough in the vehicle, as is often normal. Suddenly, the vehicle stopped to pick a passenger and an amazingly charming young lady boarded the vehicle – totally out of place for this environment. Young women in these parts have to always “escorted” by brothers or fathers or males, unfortunately. None of the rough elements in the vehicle were willing to give her space and had smirks on their face. Without thinking, but with a stern expression,  I shoved a couple of the guys, made space for the young lady and created more space around her for her bag, shoved my bag to put more distance between her and the other passengers and to my surprise,.. all the “rough elements” parted, without a murmur. Rest was easy …. with my leg, I maintained the distance between her and others for the 30 minute journey. Though my leg was numb at the end of it, it was put to its best use till then :). I told a much simpler version of the episode to my cousins and yet, they for the longest time teased me about “Trekkerwalli” (or the Lady in the Trekker).
3. Lights in the train compartment – The lights of the compartment went out as we approached Nagpur station in Central-West India. The train was full of kids crying, ladies feeling uncomfortable with the darkness and not a soul complained. I was travelling along with one bag and peacefully asleep, tired after having completed my engineering exams for the term.  I checked with a couple of the men accompanying their family if they would want to do anything to address the situation in the compartment, but they were hesitant to take on the railway officials. That was it! I jumped down from the “upper berth” that I was sleeping in, told a couple of the guys to look after my bag and then went searching for the officials on the train. Both the officials on the train ignored my request to get things fixed and claimed helplessness to do anything. I waited at the door of the train compartment and the moment we pulled into Nagpur station, jumped off and stormed into the office of the Station Master. The Station Master was not in his office, so I told his underlings that the lights in our compartment had to be fixed, else the train would not move. They argued, ignored and threatened me but I stood my ground.  They finally requested the Station Master to come and deal with me. I told the Station Master calmly about the pain and risks for the women and the kids and to balance that against a delay in departure of the train. He relented, got the light fixed and with a minor delay, we were on our way, I sleeping even better than before.   

While my behavior was full of bravado, or rashness in all these above instances, thinking about these moments still makes me smile. Thank God, that I did what I did then, foolish as it may have been. I pray that I still have the courage to do right when required. 

I worry though. Over time, as we accumulate stuff or we become “sensible” or even cynical, perhaps this fire to do “right” dies … I still fervently hope that the embers of my fiery days still are alive because when you go beyond your limitations, you can smile thinking about it all your life.